Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever

Publicist’s Single Dream In Life For Nation To Have Wes Bentley Fever


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LOS ANGELES—Saying that she wants nothing more than for her client to gain the fame and notoriety he deserves, Hollywood publicist Kelsey Schumacher told reporters Tuesday that her greatest single dream in life is for the nation to be overtaken by Wes Bentley fever. “If I don’t ever have a family, or ever get to travel, or fall in love, that will be fine as long as I can ramp up Wes Bentley’s buzz and ensure that he takes the world by storm,” Schumacher said, adding that her life will be rendered meaningless if the Jonah Hex and American Beauty actor’s face doesn’t constantly appear on the cover of celebrity gossip magazines with captions such as “Wes Bentley Shows Off His Killer Beach Bod,” “Wes Wows On The Red Carpet,” and “Behind The Scenes Of The Latest Wes Bentley Movie.” “My most deeply held hopes and wishes would be fulfilled if we somehow lived in a world where people were clamoring for all the Wes Bentley they could get, where Wes Bentley would have to turn down talk show spots because he’s been double-booked, and where directors would bend over backwards to get Wes Bentley in their projects. If that happened, my existence on this earth would make sense.” At press time, Schumacher was attempting to foster a groundswell of social media attention for her client by getting the hashtag #WBent to trend.

For full version, visit http://www.theonion.com/articles/publicists-single-dream-in-life-for-nation-to-have,33313/

Email From Coworker Trying To Organize Office-Wide Social Outing So Unbearably Sad
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ATLANTA—According to employees at Polaris Marketing, an email sent today by coworker Tim Voss, 31, trying to organize an office-wide social outing after work is just so incredibly sad. “Hey guys, this is happening, so I’ll need to know soon who’s in and who’s out so I can get tickets,” read the first message in an incredibly depressing thread of emails that reportedly included heartbreaking suggestions to eat dinner beforehand, horribly painful updates about ticketing procedures, and repeated calls for head counts, which fellow employees described as “too pathetic to even read.” “Okay, so the 6:15 show is sold out, but there’s another one at 7:45, which means we can either hang out beforehand or meet there. Does that sound good? Let me know in the next 15 minutes so I can order tickets on Fandango.” At press time, sources confirmed that numerous employees had exchanged distressed private emails with each other asking, “Are you going to this?”

For full version, visit http://www.theonion.com/articles/email-from-coworker-trying-to-organize-officewide,33312/

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